Dear Cassandra ...

This week, ancient soothsayer and head of accounting for GodsDotCom.net, Cassandra, deals with relationships, dating, and handles a misinformed and angry reader!

She sees the future and
sets up 401k plans!

Dear Cassandra,

I am involved with a wonderful man, and we've been together for four years, but I get the feeling that he is not going to ask me to marry him. I am in my early 30s and desperately want a family, but I don't want to continue in this relationship only to find out in two years that he doesn't want kids. I stopped taking the pill so that if he gets me pregnant, it will force the issue. Do you think that makes me manipulative?

Signed,
My Eggs Are Going Bad!
------------------------------------------



Dear Rotten Eggs,

I have consulted the great Oracle of your problem! The Oracle says: "My Reply Is Hazy. Try Again."

Cassandra.

------------------------------------------

Dear Cassandra,

I was with woman a few weeks ago and we had sex a few times. I pretty much penetrated every orifice she had in one weekend multiple times. Unfortunately, I didn't use a condom because I like swimming without a life vest. That's just how I roll. Point is, I'm worried that I may have caught something because there are a few new bumps showing up in the underbrush that weren't there before. Is this something I need to deal with now or do you think, like my tooth decay, this will also just solve itself?

Signed,
A Little Nervous

------------------------------------------

Dear Nervous,

I have consulted the Oracle of your problem! The Oracle says: "Ask Again Later."

------------------------------------------

Dear Cassandra,

I am an actual psychologist and I happened to come across your "advice" blog. I was struck by some of your answers in last month's column. Upon doing a little research, I have discovered that all of your Oracle's answers are from the Magic 8 Ball toy! You can NOT simply promote yourself as someone who dispenses advice to desperate people and then CONSULT A TOY! It is unethical at best and incredibly damaging at most. You told a 12-year old girl who asked you if she should tell her parents whose neighbor was abusing her that: "My Sources Say No"! Please, for the love of God, stop giving advice before you do any more damage!

Thank you,
Dr. Frances Lingham, PhD in Psychology

------------------------------------------

Dear Doctor Who?

I have consulted the Oracle of your problem! The Oracle says: "My Sources Say You're A Piece of Shit." I'll bet you don't see that answer come up in any Magic 8 Ball.

In my day the internet was a farm boy with sturdy legs!

The whole Zeus
and nothing but the Zeus!

While it is true that we have been dormant lo these many centuries and that some of your clever new inventions have confounded us it is also true that a lot of your "improvements" are nothing more than modified ideas available to us at the dawn of civilization.

Take your internet, which you all believe will one day be either the savior of mankind or the complete annihilation of your planet. In my day the internet was a farm boy with sturdy legs who would travel from village to village spreading the news of the day and gossip. And for nine drachmas a minute, he might even favor you with a prurient dance to delight and titillate your senses. But what of air travel? Surely air travel must be new to your ancient understanding? To that I simply laugh. The Greeks invented air travel, foolish modernite! True, it was not as comfortable as your so called "luxury jets" and true, it was not so much a choice as it was required for the genetic strengthening of our society. Throwing babies thought to be less than genetically perfect from high cliffs is technically flying people from one destination to another, and therefore counts as flight.

"But, Zeus", you may ask. "Surely you can't compare life in the ancient world to modern life with our comforts and longer life expectancy?" To that, I can only simply laugh. We had it better in the ancient world. We knew we'd be dead by 35, so we lived life to its fullest. When I was 15 I had mastered Greek, Latin, Aramaic, philosophy, geometry, trigonometry, botany, seamanship, armed and unarmed combat, war tactics and the art of keeping a perfect vineyard. And if you thought it was all learning and thinking, by the time my figs dropped, I had already impregnated 3 village women and two sheep. Find me a fifteen year old today who can peel his dead eyes away from a smartphone long enough to ejaculate into a math book and I'll give you a dolma.

So, that's essentially why I gathered my family together to start an internet company. I will probably get help from Apollo crafting a mission statement out of that. Stay tuned.