Athena's Life Hacks

I have a very particular set
of skills ...

Hello readers. I am Athena, the Goddess of wisdom, courage, strategy, math and justice, so I've got a pretty full plate. I would like to take time out of my busy schedule to offer you some life hacks to make your modern existence easier.

• Trapped in a Minotaur's labyrinth without magic string? You'd be surprised how often I get asked this. "Athena, I'm in the Minotaur's labyrinth and I can't get out!" Well, sometimes that's going to happen. Not to worry. Usually there are rocks handy. Just pick one up and hit the wall. The rock will remove the dark,  burned human flesh-grease stained limn leaving a very distinguishable marking. The noise, however, might alert the Minotaur to your presence, but at least you'll find your way out!
• Turned into a pig by Circe? Eat your way out! You're on an island and you meet a beautiful woman. She gives you food and drink and suddenly, you feel woozy until you wake up and you've been transformed into a pig. Before you panic, simply look for the herb moly. Eat as much as you can. After a few days, Circe's spell will be broken and you will be transformed back to your usual human form.
• Fighting the Hydra? No worries. A little fire will do the trick! Hydras are everywhere these days so you are more than likely to run into one at some point. Whether you're out finding dolma leaves or on a mission for the Golden Fleece. You will eventually see a Hydra. The trick is that if you cut off one head, two more grow in it's place ... unless ... you cauterize the stump with fire. Don't have fire handy? Don't worry! Despite what most people think, their heads don't grow back instantaneously. It takes roughly three to four days for a new one to emerge, so you have time to run away and make a fire.
• Out of arrows? Not a problem! Whether you're hunting either a stag in a forest or an escaped helot from your village, you will quickly realize that arrows aren't universal. But that shouldn't stop you from completing your hunt. Find some hardwood branches readily available either on the floor of the forest or on a tree. Normally I like softwood shafts, but hey, you're in a pinch, a hardwood is more easily found and will get the job done fine. Use one that is roughly 1 daktylos in diameter, but no bigger or it will mess with an accurate trajectory. Then find a stone and sharpen one end making sure to also whittle down any bumps or ridges in the shaft that will affect the accuracy. The fletchings are going to be a pain, I won't lie. If you can't find a bird feather, leaves can work. Find three leaves that are more or less the same size and with your knife, cut equal sized fletchings. Now, you're out in the woods, so adhesive is going to be hard to come by especially if there isn't a beehive around. But that's okay, because animal or human excrement will do. Just squeeze out a little glue and apply it to the fletchings making sure they're spaced equally! I can't stress that enough! With your knife, just cut the nock at the end and you're good to go! Happy hunting!

Aphrodite's Beauty Tips

You can't fix ugly.

As the goddess of beauty and sensuality, a lot of ugly women ask me: "Aphrodite, what is your secret to attracting men?" I have to tell you, it gets old really quick. One part of me wants to tell them that beauty is within and to be true to yourself. I want to tell them that feminine beauty is not about how you look or how much you weigh, it's about finding what makes you a sensual woman and fearlessly showing that to the world. And then I laugh to myself at what a bunch of bullshit that is. Sometimes as a joke I tell these trolls to find a bladder of ram's urine and dutifully apply it each evening to their faces and you wouldn't believe how many women will actually do this! At one point I was just testing people to see how many fucked up things I could make them do for my own curiosity and you know what? You bitches will do anything ... and I mean anything ... if you thought it would get men to notice you. Holy shit, no wonder why cosmetic companies rake in so much money.

Once I told a woman to eat poop. She wrote me back that not only did this not make her more aesthetically pleasing, but she had also contracted e Coli. While that lawsuit works its way through the courts, all I can say is that beauty is not for the weak. Do you think it's easy having constant attention from men? To wake up every day wondering who is going to fall in love with me on line at Starbucks or what company is going to want to throw wads of money at me just to endorse their products? Most of you couldn't handle that sort of stress and to be honest, there are some days that I wish I was just a little bit less attractive. Not too much. I don't want to actually work or read. 

Do you want to know what my beauty tip is? Be born to beautiful parents with good genes. I was the product of Gods, but if you don't have the blood of deities coursing through your veins, try and make sure you're born to parents with excellent bone structure and high metabolism. Short of that, I'm not sure what you want. I mean, if you want to get plastic surgery, I'm sure it couldn't make some of you worse off, but honestly, unless you're going to get an entirely new face stitched on your skull, I'd say invest it in learning a new language or skill. Some men are attracted to accomplished women and the worse that can happen is you have money to spend on escorts.

Hera's Keys to a Happy Co-Dependent Marriage

Repression or depression,
it's your choice.

As the Goddess of Marriage and Domesticity, I field a lot of questions about ... marriage and domesticity. For thousands of years people have come to me with their problems ranging from how best to shield their spouse from the truth to how to trick your partner into pregnancy. From my years of listening to mortals, here is what I've learned on how best to keep your co-dependent marriage going strong.

• ABD - Always Be Defensive: This is the first and foremost rule to keeping your partner interested and engaged. No matter what they say, always look for the most negative phrasing. "Have a nice day" can turn into a tortuous four hour verbal stand-off if you play it right. "Have a nice day? Why? Were you suggesting that I wasn't going to have a nice day?" You can grind anyone down to an empty shell of a human being by just simply asking them to explain "what did you mean by that". It will keep your partner on their toes and focused on you! Which leads to my second bullet point ...
• Accusations Make Good Conversation Starters: You can be married to the most trusting, loving partner ever created, but everyone has a secret and it's your job to ruthlessly take your rusty dagger of truth and cut it mercilessly from your spouse's heart. In marriage, like in wrestling, everyone has a weak spot and if you don't find it, you're not paying attention. If they have a hobby or even a friend, accusations will keep them on edge and nervous to the point that they will probably just decide it's not worth it, which brings me to my next point ...
• Integrate and Isolate: Say your spouse has a nurturing social life and a supportive group of friends. Good, you say? No. This is a direct threat to your standing and must be eliminated. There are several ways to isolate your partner and all of them can be used in combination to crush your partner's ego and security. You can withhold verbal interactions or sex to create a constant threat of fear so that your partner has to spend all of his time thinking about what they're doing wrong. And accusing anyone of their friends of "being too familiar" is a perfect way to put a subtle thought in their mind that will eventually erode any relationship. But most importantly ...
• Show No Mercy: When you're in a marriage, it is a fight to the death. Plain and simple. It's either you or them. If they display even the slightest sliver of joy, whether it's building model trains in the basement, knitting club, or just watching their favorite show insist on doing it with them and then make it as unenjoyable as humanly possible. Ask questions that will force them to stop everything and pay attention to you. "Accidentally" break something that they hold dear, spill soda on their watercolors, let the cat at their yarn, be creative! Once you're in their world, show no mercy and destroy it without hesitation. Remember, if they love something that's not you, it has to go. Which leads me to my final point ...
• Kill Your Hopes and Dreams: When you go to war, and let's face it marriage is worse because it will last your entire life, you must take everything you've ever loved about your life and about yourself, and have it killed. It is only when you have nothing to lose that you can focus all your efforts on destroying your spouse from the inside out. But it is a struggle that will take decades, so be patient. Remember, it's not about winning an argument, it's about seeing them put in a pine box while you're still young enough to start over again.

I have a hard time finishing things I start at this company ...

There should be a name
for tasks that can not
be completed.

When I'm in my cubicle trying to program an idea the "creative" staff has either envisioned or stolen from another company, I never can seem to finish without something stopping me only to have to start all over again. It's as though the fates were against me ever completing a God's damned job around here.

Here's an example. One day, Aphrodite runs into my cubicle and screams "Sisyphus, I need four pages coded by tomorrow for a site on nail polish names." I have no idea what that means, but I figure, coding four pages with basic HTML and some pictures is probably what she means, so I start. I'm nearly done when Athena runs into my cubicle wearing that tight fitting dress and scarf that always smells of almonds, and she says in a voice that the muses envy, "Sisyphus, whatever Aphrodite asked you to do, delete it. We're not doing that anymore. Can you create, instead, a site for the top ten legal precedents regarding internet libel cases?" So I delete my nail polish name site and work diligently on this exciting new project for one of the most respected women in the company. Not more than 20 minutes later, Aphrodite comes back into my cubicle to ask me how the site is coming! So now I have to start over again. And this happens every day!

I don't know if it's me, or if it's just the way this company is managed, but I can't finish anything around here and the next day I have to start all over again! Do you remember that iconic scene in Cool Hand Luke, when they break Paul Newman by asking him to keep digging that ditch and filling it over and over again ? It's sort of like that, only he was at least able to stop after a while. But I can't! I'm here day after day continually working on one site, then asked to do another completely different one! For lack of a better word, I'd say working here was Cool Hand Lukian. I'll come up with a better word once I finish this site for Hera on punishments for philandering husbands.

Let me sing you a song of Market Segmentation and Price Perception ...

The Romance of Marketing

As the Head of Marketing for Gods Dot Com, there are two things I know our investors want: finding that sweet spot for market penetration while maintaining brand intensity and a song played upon a lute that speaks to the heart. And it just so happens that I can master both of these. One of the reasons why Gods Dot Com is one of the most strategically based market positioned value added research and development firms is that we do the work. And I pull out the old lyre occasionally at a meeting and softly and sweetly sing a song of love or valor to all those in attendance at our joint application strategy sessions.

People often ask me at trade conferences: "Apollo, how can you find the time to develop qualitative marketing targeted distribution while bringing people to tears with your beautiful and masculine songs which pour forth effortlessly from your heart?" The answer is simple: I utilize a blend of segmentation continuums and the d-minor chord; the first offers a solid basis of understanding a specific demographic and the latter, a somber cadence which brings forth a tonal vulnerability. You see, I not only market the shit out of, whatever the hell we do at this company, I also market myself to the ladies. For sex. Which is really why I'm in this no holes barred world of high stakes marketing in the first place. And when you add the sweet terpsichordian experience of my honeyed tones, those panties are gonna drop faster than a product's awareness following an over saturation of the market by vertical placement.

Sure, a lot of people also tell me that I'm not really a true marketing professional if all I'm interested in is physical pleasure. To that I say, like the popular musicians and film stars of your age, marketing too can offer the electric high powered entertainment and energy any arts or cultural event provides. I mean, Tiger Woods didn't become a golfer to have sex with hundreds of women, but when you're that good at something, it just happens. And I'm that good at marketing. And intercourse.

I'm gonna market the shit out of you, baby.

Dear Cassandra ...

This week, ancient soothsayer and head of accounting for GodsDotCom.net, Cassandra, deals with relationships, dating, and handles a misinformed and angry reader!

She sees the future and
sets up 401k plans!

Dear Cassandra,

I am involved with a wonderful man, and we've been together for four years, but I get the feeling that he is not going to ask me to marry him. I am in my early 30s and desperately want a family, but I don't want to continue in this relationship only to find out in two years that he doesn't want kids. I stopped taking the pill so that if he gets me pregnant, it will force the issue. Do you think that makes me manipulative?

Signed,
My Eggs Are Going Bad!
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Dear Rotten Eggs,

I have consulted the great Oracle of your problem! The Oracle says: "My Reply Is Hazy. Try Again."

Cassandra.

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Dear Cassandra,

I was with woman a few weeks ago and we had sex a few times. I pretty much penetrated every orifice she had in one weekend multiple times. Unfortunately, I didn't use a condom because I like swimming without a life vest. That's just how I roll. Point is, I'm worried that I may have caught something because there are a few new bumps showing up in the underbrush that weren't there before. Is this something I need to deal with now or do you think, like my tooth decay, this will also just solve itself?

Signed,
A Little Nervous

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Dear Nervous,

I have consulted the Oracle of your problem! The Oracle says: "Ask Again Later."

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Dear Cassandra,

I am an actual psychologist and I happened to come across your "advice" blog. I was struck by some of your answers in last month's column. Upon doing a little research, I have discovered that all of your Oracle's answers are from the Magic 8 Ball toy! You can NOT simply promote yourself as someone who dispenses advice to desperate people and then CONSULT A TOY! It is unethical at best and incredibly damaging at most. You told a 12-year old girl who asked you if she should tell her parents whose neighbor was abusing her that: "My Sources Say No"! Please, for the love of God, stop giving advice before you do any more damage!

Thank you,
Dr. Frances Lingham, PhD in Psychology

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Dear Doctor Who?

I have consulted the Oracle of your problem! The Oracle says: "My Sources Say You're A Piece of Shit." I'll bet you don't see that answer come up in any Magic 8 Ball.

In my day the internet was a farm boy with sturdy legs!

The whole Zeus
and nothing but the Zeus!

While it is true that we have been dormant lo these many centuries and that some of your clever new inventions have confounded us it is also true that a lot of your "improvements" are nothing more than modified ideas available to us at the dawn of civilization.

Take your internet, which you all believe will one day be either the savior of mankind or the complete annihilation of your planet. In my day the internet was a farm boy with sturdy legs who would travel from village to village spreading the news of the day and gossip. And for nine drachmas a minute, he might even favor you with a prurient dance to delight and titillate your senses. But what of air travel? Surely air travel must be new to your ancient understanding? To that I simply laugh. The Greeks invented air travel, foolish modernite! True, it was not as comfortable as your so called "luxury jets" and true, it was not so much a choice as it was required for the genetic strengthening of our society. Throwing babies thought to be less than genetically perfect from high cliffs is technically flying people from one destination to another, and therefore counts as flight.

"But, Zeus", you may ask. "Surely you can't compare life in the ancient world to modern life with our comforts and longer life expectancy?" To that, I can only simply laugh. We had it better in the ancient world. We knew we'd be dead by 35, so we lived life to its fullest. When I was 15 I had mastered Greek, Latin, Aramaic, philosophy, geometry, trigonometry, botany, seamanship, armed and unarmed combat, war tactics and the art of keeping a perfect vineyard. And if you thought it was all learning and thinking, by the time my figs dropped, I had already impregnated 3 village women and two sheep. Find me a fifteen year old today who can peel his dead eyes away from a smartphone long enough to ejaculate into a math book and I'll give you a dolma.

So, that's essentially why I gathered my family together to start an internet company. I will probably get help from Apollo crafting a mission statement out of that. Stay tuned.