Hera's Keys to a Happy Co-Dependent Marriage

Repression or depression,
it's your choice.

As the Goddess of Marriage and Domesticity, I field a lot of questions about ... marriage and domesticity. For thousands of years people have come to me with their problems ranging from how best to shield their spouse from the truth to how to trick your partner into pregnancy. From my years of listening to mortals, here is what I've learned on how best to keep your co-dependent marriage going strong.

• ABD - Always Be Defensive: This is the first and foremost rule to keeping your partner interested and engaged. No matter what they say, always look for the most negative phrasing. "Have a nice day" can turn into a tortuous four hour verbal stand-off if you play it right. "Have a nice day? Why? Were you suggesting that I wasn't going to have a nice day?" You can grind anyone down to an empty shell of a human being by just simply asking them to explain "what did you mean by that". It will keep your partner on their toes and focused on you! Which leads to my second bullet point ...
• Accusations Make Good Conversation Starters: You can be married to the most trusting, loving partner ever created, but everyone has a secret and it's your job to ruthlessly take your rusty dagger of truth and cut it mercilessly from your spouse's heart. In marriage, like in wrestling, everyone has a weak spot and if you don't find it, you're not paying attention. If they have a hobby or even a friend, accusations will keep them on edge and nervous to the point that they will probably just decide it's not worth it, which brings me to my next point ...
• Integrate and Isolate: Say your spouse has a nurturing social life and a supportive group of friends. Good, you say? No. This is a direct threat to your standing and must be eliminated. There are several ways to isolate your partner and all of them can be used in combination to crush your partner's ego and security. You can withhold verbal interactions or sex to create a constant threat of fear so that your partner has to spend all of his time thinking about what they're doing wrong. And accusing anyone of their friends of "being too familiar" is a perfect way to put a subtle thought in their mind that will eventually erode any relationship. But most importantly ...
• Show No Mercy: When you're in a marriage, it is a fight to the death. Plain and simple. It's either you or them. If they display even the slightest sliver of joy, whether it's building model trains in the basement, knitting club, or just watching their favorite show insist on doing it with them and then make it as unenjoyable as humanly possible. Ask questions that will force them to stop everything and pay attention to you. "Accidentally" break something that they hold dear, spill soda on their watercolors, let the cat at their yarn, be creative! Once you're in their world, show no mercy and destroy it without hesitation. Remember, if they love something that's not you, it has to go. Which leads me to my final point ...
• Kill Your Hopes and Dreams: When you go to war, and let's face it marriage is worse because it will last your entire life, you must take everything you've ever loved about your life and about yourself, and have it killed. It is only when you have nothing to lose that you can focus all your efforts on destroying your spouse from the inside out. But it is a struggle that will take decades, so be patient. Remember, it's not about winning an argument, it's about seeing them put in a pine box while you're still young enough to start over again.